And you thought, I'm not hitting myself...you're hitting myself for me! But as time goes on, sometimes the persistent smacking continues only this time there is no one holding your hand next to your head anymore...it's just you..smacking your hand against your head, all on your own.
I think this moment happens to everyone. The realization of our own self harm and destruction. The "how did I get here/ why do I continue to pursue people who aren't for me/ why do always act like the very person I hate" moment.
I truly believe this moment stems from hating oneself, from not practicing self love, from buying into the notion that who we are is simply not enough.
I only say this with such great assurance because I'm the queen of self destruction. When things are going great, I will ruin them...mostly because I'm afraid to give myself better and I'm afraid to say I deserve better.
But upon realizing my destructive pattern, I vowed to stop. To stop ruining my plans, my dreams, my relationships. I vowed to, instead, give myself opportunity rather than take it away. To love myself--flaws and all--rather than hate my tiny imperfections. I figured if there was anyone in the world who deserved my love it was myself.
The whole "self love" concept is so hard for many to grasp and to fully understand. I think the struggle mostly stems from how varied self love can seem. And while it looks different for everyone, it comes from the same place within us all--from the depths of your very present, very full, very overflowing hearts.
Your heart pumps roughly 1,500 gallons of blood per day--imagine if you replaced the word blood for love.
What would that look like for you? Would you stop making excuses, stop cheating, stop lying, stop shaming yourself/others, stop giving up..?
Living with that much love in ones heart is the gateway to enjoying/embracing/leaning into both joy and discomfort, living with forgiveness for not only others but yourself as well, and ultimately understanding that you and only you are in charge of the love you receive.