Wrong.
Because I have the beauty and agony of suffering from anxiety, I often find myself in such states of worry that simply cannot be controlled. Yet the wonderful thing about worry is that after comes a calm incomparable--a sea of peace that floods every inch of my being.
From my previous state of worry--what I've coined my pre-quater-life crisis, since I am only a mere 21 years old--I've realized 4 things...
1. Discover who you are
And not in a I'm a picker, I'm a grinner, I'm a lover, and I'm a sinner kind of way. But in a way that is so developed and sure that no one or thing can tear down who you are. I've always felt as if something was missing. That there was some piece of me was just not right. I've been continually looking for what it was that I was missing, anything to add meaning to my life.
This past week I stubbled upon a link that led me to the enneagram personality types. Within 10 minutes of reading about the different personality types, I was in tears. You see--anything and everything you need to know about me can be told through a number. The number 4. I'm a type 4 personality: the romantic and individualist. This personality type typically believes that they are set apart and unique and highly different from everyone else, thus leaving them often feeling misunderstood and incomplete.
All this time, I truly believed I was defective. I thought I was too complicated for people to understand. Too stubborn and strong willed to be loved. Too incomplete to even be seen.
But while I was trying to find who I am, while I was continually seeking knowledge so that I may shape and create who I wanted to be, I was able to find that I don't need to add more to myself to become whole but rather use what I already have/who I already am to fulfill my voids.
2. Titles mean absolutely nothing
Regardless of it's your mom, brother, sister, professor, child, ex, baby daddy, best friend, cousin twice removed, or your wicked great aunt--titles should not define who you are and what you do. And you might think I'm crazy because tradition reaches us about loyalty and respect and who we should be doing things for and how we should act around certain people but for me...I refuse to let these notions and titles continue to define me and what I living for.
Being human we all have desires, and I truly believe that we stifle those desires due to others not only do we harden our hearts towards them but we create anxiety within ourselves. If we let the perceptions of others control our destiny we will never be able to love ourselves or our lives.
3. Your way is the right way
I mentioned earlier that I was a type 4. But my wing is a Type 3...the achiever. As I've been trying to live whole heartedly and learn to love myself, I've constantly wondered if I'm even going about it the right way? Am I doing it right? Am I taking the right interpretation of it? Am I going to fast or too slow? Am I taking too long to grieve? Or not enough time at all?
But I've realized that my whole life, I've been trying to live like a Type 3 (an achiever) when I'm truly a Type 4 (a romantic). Because more than half the time, I'd much rather say to hell with it all...I'm going to drink my coffee and cry this morning as I watch the sunrise, because it was gorgeous and I wish I had someone to share it with...but I'll end up masking these desires and feelings because I feel as if I have to be some super woman and do everything in the world, for everyone, all the time, on time, and with a smile on my face and joyful heart at that. But the truth is, regardless of what everyone else thinks...If I want to cry on my way to work or dance it out after class because it'll make me feel better then there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, I ought to do it because it's my way of feeling whole and happy again.
4. Find something to lean on
Whether it be God, your person, your favorite book, your creative spark, your fishing spot. Whatever it may be, when times get tough lean on it. I think a lot of people really feel the need to do it all on their own. But that's not the case at all. As humans, we don't do well alone and we were created to be loved and cared for. For some it's easy to turn to their family and friends in a time of need, for others not so much. I generally slip into the not so much category, but I've come to learn that in those times when I'm so wound up the best cure for me is my mediation, my writing, and a long, usually overdue, talk with the Prince of Peace.
I won't lie, a pre-quater-life-crisis is pretty scary. But as I continue to deal with everything being thrown my way, I'm trying to remember all the above and that every set back is a setup for a come back.
I'll be on my way back real soon.
Meghan